In no uncertain terms, I tell you depression is a disease. It
is a vampire if you will, sucking the blood (and the soul) from its victims.
I am doing well a majority of the time, but nights are scary
sometimes. My mind races when it should be resting. I worry. I work on poems,
blogs, or my books in my head. Unfortunately, I am a pain patient as well as a
depression patient. As I chase the aches with pain medication, I’m never quite
sure of what my body’s and mind’s reaction might be to the ingestion of these
pills. Sleep is never the immediate result though. I chase the pain, and often,
I chase the mental pain as well, just seeking rest. It doesn’t matter if I have
napped during the day or not. Sometimes—and yes, this is weird—sometimes I am
too tired to sleep. I ache, am uncomfortable, and I get stuck on one subject
buzzing my cranium.
Sometimes my soul goes on a trip to hell. I pray for
release. I look at my being as reprehensible. I lose track all the tools I
possess to deal with these feelings of sadness. I’ve tried a million different
things to cure the insomnia and the night depression: the hot tub in the middle
of the night, midnight snacks, a stiff shot of single malt Scotch, surrender,
stretching, pain patches, etc. Nothing works long term, not even changing up
what sometimes works. I had sleeping meds but I quickly needed more. My
tolerance for pain medication must be prodigious. (Once, when taken to the
hospital with severe pain that attacked my lower limbs out of nowhere, the
hospital gave me seven shots of morphine before it had the desired effect.
Seven!)
Look folks, this is my day. I am used to it. No worries
here. It is the day long depression that scares me. Luckily, I am currently out
of that cycle. But damn, it is a disease. If I could will it away, or pull
myself up by my bootstraps, trust me, I would. I am one lucky guy. Think I don’t
know that? But I got this disease that plagues me. No, it’s not boils or
raining frogs, but nonetheless, it is a modern plague.
Be kind to your friends and family who suffer. God bless you
all.
