I'm Gonna Go Eat Worms! Suicide Is Not Painless.

I'm not going to try convince you that the world doesn't suck sometime. We all know that life can be difficult. Sometimes it seems like the disappointments and failures are all too much. We might think, "The world would be better off without me."

I want to make it clear, right off the bat, no one is really going to feel sorry for you if you decide to take a header off the Golden Gate Bridge. They are going to resent you. A lot of people will think you are weak. And you will not be getting even with anyone.

So, at least if you are going to kill yourself, make sure that you aren't doing it based on the misconception that you will be sorely missed. It just doesn't make sense if you're going on the theory that the world would be better off without you.

When a person dies, suddenly they become a bit of a problem. There's some logistics involved. Unless Norman Bates from Psycho is your relative, or the undertaker is kind of weird, there is a hurry to get the deceased into the ground, or into the oven. Forget the pretty thing. If Marilyn Monroe wasn't worth hanging onto after death, chances are you aren't going to be stuffed and mounted.

So, the first rule for a successful suicide is out the door. No one looks good after death.

Rule number two: Suicide must not hurt. It should be painless.

Rule number three: The method must be effective. One should not hang around weeks and weeks in the hospital, dying or not quite really recovering.

Let's go over some of the more popular methods of suicide and see how they stack up.

Gunshot: Effective, probably painless but who looks good with a hole in their head? One of Hitler's generals, who was accused of being in on the plot to kill the dictator tried to shoot himself in the head and missed twice.

Self immolation: Are you kidding?

Jumping off a high place, like the Golden Gate Bridge or a tall building: Terrifying for a few moments, painful if you live, and sometimes ineffective. No chance of looking good with a bunch of broken bones, head injuries, and if you end up in the water for awhile... well, floaters are not pretty. A friend helped pull a floater out of a river once. Not a fun job.

Slitting the wrists: Seen it. Not pretty. Lots of ugly stitches. Ineffective. Hurts. Forget short-sleeves forever after.

Hari Kari: Hurts. Effective but messy. Ugly especially if you have someone nearby to cut your head off in the traditional manner. Forget this one.

Drowning: The popularity of this method has waned for good reason. (See floater above.)

Overdose: Often ineffective. Potentially disabling. Don't get caught or the doctors will stick a tube down your throat and pump your stomach.

Getting hit by a train: Ugh!

While were at it, let's eliminate poison, carbon monoxide, suicide by police, murder/suicide, hanging, etc.

Ever know anyone who heard about a suicide and thought it seemed a good idea? Like, "Gee, that was brilliant. That person had nothing to live for."

Okay, except Hitler. That was a good idea that came too late.

I have known a couple of people who committed suicide. One was a woman at a sort of exercise class we both attended. One Saturday or Sunday, we were working out together and she asked me if I could come work out with her every weekend. I wasn't married at the time to my wife, but we were together, and it seemed like a bad idea to get involved, so I made an excuse. A week or so later, I found out she killed herself. She had broken up with her husband, and felt distraught, and I believe she hung herself. I felt bad about it. She was a lovely woman, and had I known her situation, I would have handled her request differently. I will venture to say she had a lot to look forward to if she had lived. I'm sorry for her.

Enter here!

A fellow worker I knew also killed himself. He was a streetwise guy, from a large city in the Midwest if I remember. He had a decent job, was good looking, and seemed content. The only real personal time I spent with him was over dinner and a few beers. The Christmas Season was upon us. After I had one beer too many, I went shopping for a gift for Lynn, not yet my wife. I never expected this gent had any problems, but I guess he was lonely, and after I left the job, I found out he killed himself. Thinking back on it, I felt less surprised than I expected. I knew he lived in a small studio or boarding house or  something like that, maybe a hotel downtown. He had no support system in San Francisco.

Look, killing yourself is never the answer. If you want to upset the people who upset you, living well is the best revenge. Always things change. They get better. I know it's tough sometimes. I have been there. Believe it or not, you can have everything you ever thought you needed and still feel suicidal. It's a disease. People in the midst of severe depression aren't thinking right. Watch someone fight for life who is dying. Self-destruction is just not a normal process. Preservation is a built-in default. So how can anyone really be thinking coherently and want to kill themselves? It doesn't compute.

Hang on. Get help. That's what we're really looking for is help and understanding. Hang on and lend your wisdom and creativity and your life force to help someone else. You might be the difference in someone else's life. You can't do that if you don't exist.

"Don't give up, you have friends..."

I'm running a contest. There are 13 photos here of people who committed suicide (or are suspected of it, no conspiracies here). Can you name all 13? No cheating. The contest runs until the next blog here is posted. In case of ties, I will draw a name. Then I'll send a gift off to the winner. Everyone who guesses right will be mentioned in the next blog. Oh, please sign up to enter. If you can't sign up because you can't figure out how to do it, I will take that into account.