I admit. I am okay. End of this week has been rough. But you know, it's okay.
A lot of people say a lot of nice things to me. I get heaps of praise it seems. Before, in the 60 some years of my life, heaps of praise only got me wanting more heaps of praise. Now, it is filling. My heart is filling. I am learing to deal with small disasters. Maybe larger problems as well. Before, well...before, problems brought me thoughts that I was always at fault. Always. This is a bad position to take. Trust me. Now--well, no one should be offended--it is like "What the fuck?" Shit happens as they say. I do not control every molecule of the universe though God knows I really should. (Okay, this is my Narcissism showing.)
So let me say friends. Your words do not fall into some aching pool of neediness with me. No more. I expect when I heard you before, I wanted more and more words of kindness. Let me thank all of you who tried to fill the void, and those of you who are filling me up with your nice words and deeds. You all have made me one happy guy. Like what the fuck, but nonetheless, life is going well.
Yeah, I get down. But god help me, it lasts no longer than a half-day now. One night, a couple of weeks ago, I went out to a conference for work. I was there to meet and greet--a representative of corporate making my public relations presence felt. But I am not the brash talker I once was. I am shy, especially around men. I always have preferred the company of women, I admit. So, I am not a mingler. But Kerry, the owner's sister took me in tow, and introduced me around to some of the people there. She is a 21 year-old college girl, and as nice as can be. She took me under her wing. God bless her. It ended up that I had four gin and tonics that night. Yeah, over a span of four hours, so I was not so bombed that I could not think straight, but it had been years since I had four mixed drinks. Well, that night, I felt a little down. Yeah, I don't drink a lot because it is tough to fight depression and the effects of drink also. But next day, no problem. I was back.
Yesterday with a bit of a trying day. But we had company last night. Leah and Chris came over. They are my grand-daughter Holly's other grandparents. That made things nice. I got another hit of news later that made me upset, but today, you know, I will be okay. What the fuck?
You know, if you are depressed, there is hope.
Look, I know what I am about to say is not what guys have tattooed on their arms. I am tempted--yeah, I know, at 61, I want a tattoo, how dumb is that--to have this tattooed on my arm. The word:
SURRENDER.
Surrender is the way out of hell. You have to accept what is and go on with life. No, it is not giving up. It is accepting what life has thrown into your path and moving on. It is not always so easy. First, perhaps, you have to say, "Damn, this is a crappy hand you have dealt me." Instead of blaming yourself for it, accept it that no, you were not born as Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. What the fuck? Well, you know, they weren't born as you either. So, surrender. Life sucks sometimes. Then, you go outside, look up in the sky, and the clouds suddenly have turned orange and pink and another day is ending, and night is coming on. There are dreams, and tomorrow, Santa Claus might just show up at your door with a whole satchel full of Louis Armstrong cds, or you might go on Facebook and read about some poor friend who fell off a ladder, broke their leg, and then ended up getting their car stolen by their cousin. You'll say, What the fuck? Glad that wasn't me. And life won't seem so awful.
Surrender friends. I know it isn't always easy, but you have got to give up the battle to win the war.
